I Am Woman, Hear Me Mew

I've seen two posts recently that caught my eye: the first was an anti-rape poster that is directed at men. As in, Men, you have the power to stop rape from happening. Innovative. Most rape prevention materials are aimed at women. As in, Rape is inevitable, so here's what you need to do to protect yourself. In fact, most involve techniques for self defense, martial arts, or in some cases, handguns, and the most extreme: the newly invented South African female condom that has teeth. 

That's right: teeth. Because what better way to stop men from raping women than to threaten them back with a vagina that might chew your dick off. Other effective ways to stop men from raping: shoot them. Beat them with your fists. Oh, and pepper spray. Because apparently, men are completely incapable of controlling themselves.

In the men's ad, the tagline is "My strength is not for hurting." It acknowledges, maybe even panders to, men's power, the power of male sexuality. It's so powerful you can't stop it without excessive force. In fact, what the Rape-aXe essentially says is, You can't stop them from going in, so you might as well hurt them while they're in there.

The second post that caught my attention was a tweet from Pank magazine that read something like: not interested in stories that use the word "cougar" to describe female sexuality in women over thirty.

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What's wrong with the word cougar?

In the rape-prevention ad, male strength is honored. Men are strong. Men can rape. It's within their power not to.

When you use the word cougar, you acknowledge that female sexuality -- when not infantile -- is dangerous. It can eat you alive. It has teeth. And can outrun you.

By contrast, Maybelline has a new product, Baby Lips -- a lip balm which promises to give you back the lips you were born with. It's winter. Who doesn't need lip balm? But the ad features a young model with girlish looks -- girlish as in babyish. Big lips, big teeth, wide vacant eyes. In one shot, she pulls a string of bubble gum out of her mouth, twirling it like a kid would. The product's tag line? Get back the lips you were born with. Doublespeak. It's as much an ad for lip balm as it is for virginity, and you're kidding yourself if you don't think so. Vaginal rejuvenation has come to Central New York.* Which means it's pretty much everywhere. What's next? Anti-aging labia cream? Wait, do they already make that?

What I learned from these two posts: you need to pussy-foot around men's power and the inevitability of force. Or grow some teeth. But when women over thirty are powerfully sexual -- and God forbid, assertive -- it's essentially deadly. Kinda sexy, but deadly. You're better off being a really hot baby.

*I hate even giving this guy a plug. And yes, the center for women's incontinence is run by Dr. Sopp. Some stuff you can't make up.